I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
