this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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