Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
