i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize