His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
