im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
