Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
me + whiskey = a bad person
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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