To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
