im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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