yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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