hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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