My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
