Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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