You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
