Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
