wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
