jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
