im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
