I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
