i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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