I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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