Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
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You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
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So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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