we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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