fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
