No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
