just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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