k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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