I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
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Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
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Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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