i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
