i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
