either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
