So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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