it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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