Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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