Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
