1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
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so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
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saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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