He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
