I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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