nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
