fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
