Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
