Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
