The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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