2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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