If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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