Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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