I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
