My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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