I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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