I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
