I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
