Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
