Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
