This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
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I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
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It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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