Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
