Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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