White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
