I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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