I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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