I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
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He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just invented taco cereal.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
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Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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