whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
