I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
